this is egregious
hello bloggers! hello babies! hello fellow countrymen! hello animals, insects, fruit bats, members of the band one direction (i know you’re reading this!)! long time no friggin talk.
since my last blog post i joined eharmony, promptly ended my membership, toiled and troubled over personal woes and tribulations, finished school in new jersey, left my job in new jersey, and then just straight up LEFT new jersey.
in between these landmarks in the highway that is my funny and at times depressing life, i became irrationally obsessed with jersey shore lifeguards, particularly one who we’ll call DBLG, or “david beckham lifeguard”. i saw and creeped on him memorial day weekend down the shore, and was amazed at the sheer beauty of this man. tattoos, perfectly coifed combover, fabulous fashion sense - this man was, in essence, my garden of eden in the form of a statuesque, testosterone-pumped human-alien. by random chance i found out he was a lifeguard in manasquan and thus, whenever i would surf there or bask in the jersey sun, i’d sit a couple yards away from his stand and just stare. i’ll just stop talking about it there because it’s phenomenally embarrassing.
later on in the summer i was asked out by a DIFFERENT lifeguard who then saw me at a later date and refused to acknowledge that he had left his duty as said lifeguard, ignored hundreds (if not thousands) of swimmingly inept people, just to tell me his favorite surfer was andy irons, who, oddly enough, is dead. i pointed this out to him and he backtracked like he a deer in the headlights, as if my knowledge of surf culture was an 18-wheeler and he was a rabbit just hangin’ out on the highway, sniffing shit. this guy, who we’ll call “max” (that’s his real name) ended up being a bouncer at a club down the shore and at around 2 AM i sauntered up to him, asked if he remembered me (he didn’t), and then promptly pushed me out of the club rudely and awfully. that night i cried, not because of the idiot dillhole that was “max” but because i realized that i was terribly and horribly alone.
ok, ok it’s not gonna get sad, and i refuse to throw myself an elaborate pity party replete with witty anecdotes about my inability to get a date. but my time in new jersey was not an enjoyable one, to say the least. now, after having traversed the great U.S. of A, across wide expanses of scrub brush, cactus and desert and having to stop approximately nine times a day due to my impossibly small bladder, i am back in california. living in point loma, two doors away from two best friends, a block away from another best friend and within miles of my favorite people in the universe.
i have surfed my small ass off up until around 10 days ago when i came down with a retardedly serious virus that sent me to the hospital twice, once to get a spinal tap and the second to get heavy doses of dilaudid and a procedure similar to a spinal tap called a blood patch. however i am back in action once again, relieved of migraines so severe i could vomit and of thrush, a sunburn-like rash and diarrhea. this all besides the point. the point is that i get to swim and surf with sting rays and leopard sharks everyday and i see the most beautiful sunsets and get to enjoy god’s creation in the easiest place i know how.
this is a long friggin entry so keep your eyes peeled for more blog idiocy! LYLAS
this is a joke…right?
as i was watching the knicks game last night i randomly came across an ad for harmony somewhere on the expansive world of the world wide web. it yelled at me, “a whole weekend to communicate for free!” and i figured, “ok, it’s free and i definitely enjoy communication”. one thing led to another and there i was, 2.5 hours later and paying my hard-earned money for a stupid account on this stupid dating website that is bound to be an epic failure.
for those of you that know me well i have a couple downfalls. here they are:
1) i am REALLY picky. like, it’s either a tattoo-ed DJ or a surfer. no in-betweens.
2) i am highly opinionated and/or come across as a sarcastic douche generally 60% of the time.
3) i am incredibly judgmental.
all of these things i wish i could change but honestly, i just can’t. when filling out the personality inventory last night for around eight hours (YES, this thing is LONG and subsequently made me miss the entire knicks game as i sat debating whether or not i was more “rude” or “judgmental”…picked judgmental) i realized that i don’t really sound like a winner. i mean, sure i think i am ambitious and goal-driven yet I AM LIVING WITH MY PARENTS IN SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY AT AGE 24. herein lies a significant and glaring problem.
when creating my basic profile i was debating whether or not to go with “funny and witty and super dry and ironic” or “ok, i am taking this seriously”. i chose a happy medium, so i wrote that “i like to eat and will beat you in an eating competition”. also quoted michael ian black from his latest book, “you’re not doing it right”: “why don’t more parents throw their kids in dumpsters?” after receiving no attention and an error box that said, “we’re sorry, no matches could be made” i erased the eating competition and babies in a dumpster part and replaced it with, “loves to connect with humans”.
FAIL FAIL FAIL.
the problem with online dating is it’s incredible superficial. it is one thing to meet someone face-to-face and be able to talk to them right away and see how they approach a conversation. with online dating the first thing you notice about the other person is their pictures. right off the bat i know i won’t be interested in 99% of these people, based on the fact they are balding and/or fat and have a guinness in their hand and/or quote their landlord as being the most influential person in their life. really, your LANDLORD? geez
last night as i was about to go to bed i was lamenting to my parents: “WHERE ARE ALL THE TATTOOED GUYS, DAD”. his response: “THEY ALREADY HAVE GIRLFRIENDS, COURTNEY”.
damn. wish me luck as i embark on the stupidest, most ridiculous journey of my life that will last six months until my subscription is up/i move to california where all the men that i deeply desire reside.
I WAS WALKING WITH A GHOST -CANADIAN TWINZ
greetings earthlings! this is my first blog entry since i have returned to the land of milk and honey, also known as israel (maybe? bible knowledge has slowly disintegrated) and/or new jersey. i would love to PUPDATE you all on my depression, so here it is: it has gone with the wind but it didn’t take 6 six hours like the movie. in actuality it has disappeared due to the fact that i am taking medication! disclaimer: not true, but it probably has something to do with the fact that i am drinking less, working out more and just focusing on being pRESENT in my current state of life. ~*~lyFe ChanGe!!!!!111!~*~ anyway moving on. two things:
1) for those that have read previous entries i mentioned an elusive creature aptly named “HDDLPPR”, or hot douchey duke lacrosse player potential rapist. we are VERY much together and by “very much together” i mean i found out his name! i won’t say it for fear i’ll jinx our rapidly blossoming relationship.
2) THIS IS A BIG EFFING DEAL so i don’t even know WHY i have a number next to it because this is NOT something i’m just going to list. it deserves it’s own paragraph!!!!!!!!!111111
this morning at 1:35 am i was sleeping like a normal human being with a normal circadian rhythm. i was DEAD asleep and for some reason, something told me to wake up because someone was in the room with me. i swear upon urban dictionary i was in the deepest stage of sleep and had NO reason to wake up, but i distinctly remember someone saying, “you need to wake up. someone is in the room with you”. i was sleeping on my side and as i woke up immediately rolled over to see this person. there was no one in the room but what i FELT cannot even be explained. the room was VERY heavy and i know that is insane description but that’s the only way i can describe it. it was so strange because i knew i was half-awake but at the same time i felt like this odd feeling was not to be taken lightly. the air was heavy, tense and i almost felt these weird vibrations. this shit is crazy, i know and i sound like a lunatic but i have never experienced anything like this before. now a couple minutes after i woke up something/someone told me, “start praying”. now for those that don’t know i have sort of fallen away from “the faith” (as megachurches like to call it) and i have maintained a “healthy” distance from christianity ever since i moved back to new jersey. ANYWAY whatever. but this “voice” or whatever the hell it was telling me to start praying was so strange and i felt compelled to obey it. i don’t even know what i started praying about, probably about how i wish i could find a cheap external controller on ebay or something inane. so in conclusion…
…i think there was a ghost in the room. of what, who knows!!! maybe the dead rat and/or squirrel colony that has formed in my attic. maybe a little man child that haunts new providence who ate peoples hearts in the 1800s. maybe that sock puppet dog from those pets.com commercials 10 years ago. chris farley. river phoenix. it could be any of these people and/or things! but i will never know. all i can say is, thanks GOD for telling me to pray about ebay and for sending that creepy ghost to wake me up for 20 minutes in the middle of the night!
THE END and good night
MY BEEF WITH BON IVER
if i could scream the f word at all of you virtually i would do it but i can’t because we’re in cyberspace. space is devoid of air and sound so technically we all should be dead too but whatever. anyway, words, specifically terrible ones cannot express my distaste with the fact that bon iver won best new artist at the grammy’s last night.
FIRST OF ALL. nicki minaj should’ve won HANDS DOWN. that chick is innovative, creative and definitely a wackjob but has a hell of stage presence and can rap/sing the shit out of anything. she has effectively undermined every other female hip hop artist in the industry and shattered all means of competition. lil kim who? isn’t she in jail? or getting more plastic surgery? or in massive amounts of debt? probably all of those things.
SECONDLY. his music is a piece of crap. pseudo-ambient, hipster dump that should be reserved only for elevators in all of portland AND/OR funerals. yes, there are many “artists” that i hate but bon iver is one of my most hated, which includes but is DEFINITELY not limited to THE FRAY and the band perry (more on them later). i just don’t get IT. I DO NOT understand the appeal of whining, poor musicianship. i just don’t.
THIRDLY. thank BABY JESUS, MUHAMMAD, VISHNU or some wolf spirit that the band perry did NOT win. i honestly think it would’ve been worse if they had won because that would mean a band that sings about impending death and being buried in satin then being thrown in a river would have received VALIDATION. that would’ve been moronic! SERIOUSLY! also, WTF is up with their appearance? girl singer looks like courtney love pre-rehab, kurt cobain’s death, financial woes and the two guys look like they stepped out of GEICO’s neanderthal actor convention. also one of them had a huge butt and that is just gross.
i have a lot of feelings towards this. but all i really wanted to say is F BON IVER. the end
if anyone has been dying to take me to oahu please do it soon!
THIS WILL BE A GREAT BLOG ENTRY!
tonight i was attacked by a dog. like, a big ass dog that could have probably disemboweled me and left me to rot in my own innards. that is incredibly dramatic and probably would not have happened considering
1) i am not in the middle of nowhere
2) the hospital reopens in 12 hours.
anyway, this dog’s name is ELMO. he is a weird-ass collie mix that is pretty unpredictable but is nice around 65% of the time. 65% is kind of a terrible percentage because it hints at the fact that there is a 50/50 chance he could bite your face. anyway that’s clearly obvious because i’m assuming all of you can do MATH.
this dog just barks and barks and barks until he literally loses his voice. when i leave at 8 PM his barks are so hoarse and labored it almost sounds like he’s just giving up on life. it’s actually really sad because obviously this dog has been abused and not treated well and he has no family nor will he ever have sex and it’s just a real dog tragedy. so i come out to say SUP because you know, i’m a KIND AND COMPASSIONATE ANIMAL LOVER and realize he’s scooted his blanket into his water bowl.
typical. it’s like, “come on, elmo. WTF this is your BLANKET. SLEEP ON IT PLZ”
so i open up his kennel and he prances out, tail flapping in the air like he just don’t care. i go to pick up the sopping wet blanket and elmo’s all, “OH HELLLLLLLLLL NO” in dog language and runs back into the kennel, teeth bared and barking like i’m about to commit some heinous act. he leaps at me and, with incredibly dexterity i manage to block my face with my hands! cat-like reflexes. he then realizes he has failed to maim my beautiful face and then goes for my foot and CHOMPS down and starts shaking my foot like a ragdoll. at that point i SCREAM, and then manage to back up against the kennel door and WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?
I FALL! YES, TYPICAL WOMAN I AM. i fell. in the most inopportune of times. for those of you that have read my previous blog i wrote an entry around halloween about how women are always doing stupid shit in movies, like not being able to open a door when a guy is about to chop her head off/rape her or falling in the woods when a creep is chasing her. i wrote about how stupid it was and how jamie lee curtis is a big fat idiot yadda yadda yadda. and here i am FALLING, trying desperately to get up and close this kennel door because this dog may or may not hasten my arrival at the pearly gates. jesus would be like, “really? you fell trying to escape a wacko shelter dog?” and i’d be all, “jesus sorry i know lame right”.
long story short i got the door closed and resumed my work for the night but not after realizing a couple of things:
1) the scream that emitted from my mouth when elmo was snacking on my foot was absolutely the epitome of my femininity. i am not an inherently feminine person; i am consistently asked if i really have a penis, 0% of the time is it serious. i hate romantic comedies and i for the most part i really EFFING hate shopping. but that scream caused me to pause and reflect for a nanosecond. sure, i may be somewhat of a tomboy but I AM A WOMAN. i freaking eat ice cream when i’m on my period, i think all men are terrible listeners and I SURE AS HELL will scream when i’m about to die!
2) i have realized that i have commodified (is this the right word? lit majors where u @t?) my experiences here in new jersey for the sole purpose of the entertainment of others. i kid you not, my first thought after my encounter with elmo was, “holy shit! this will be a great blog entry!” i swear! this cannot be a good thing. i mean, maybe one of these days i’ll get into an epic car accident and be like, “oh it’s super great i’m alive but MAN will this make a great blog entry!” that’s just strange as hell. at least i am cognizant of the fact…
so…moral of the story…i am a woman, i got attacked by a dog and i am just SO GLAD to be alive ;)
some very important things
1) i have decided that IF i get married i am walking down the “aisle” to “outro” by M83. OR another option is that i will die to that song. really epic way to start my life with someone AND/OR die.
2) i am really damn hungry because i am making YUMMY QUINOA BURGERS!!!!!!!!!
3) i saw the scariest baby of my life today in whole foods. the thing literally looked like damian’s spawn manifest. it had beady little eyes and it’s head was too small for it’s body and it was just writhing around like a baby satan. i kept walking past it and literally gasped because of how evil it looked!
4) i am no longer depressed.
5) ANDY COMES NEXT WEEK!