THIS WILL BE A GREAT BLOG ENTRY!
tonight i was attacked by a dog. like, a big ass dog that could have probably disemboweled me and left me to rot in my own innards. that is incredibly dramatic and probably would not have happened considering
1) i am not in the middle of nowhere
2) the hospital reopens in 12 hours.
anyway, this dog’s name is ELMO. he is a weird-ass collie mix that is pretty unpredictable but is nice around 65% of the time. 65% is kind of a terrible percentage because it hints at the fact that there is a 50/50 chance he could bite your face. anyway that’s clearly obvious because i’m assuming all of you can do MATH.
this dog just barks and barks and barks until he literally loses his voice. when i leave at 8 PM his barks are so hoarse and labored it almost sounds like he’s just giving up on life. it’s actually really sad because obviously this dog has been abused and not treated well and he has no family nor will he ever have sex and it’s just a real dog tragedy. so i come out to say SUP because you know, i’m a KIND AND COMPASSIONATE ANIMAL LOVER and realize he’s scooted his blanket into his water bowl.
typical. it’s like, “come on, elmo. WTF this is your BLANKET. SLEEP ON IT PLZ”
so i open up his kennel and he prances out, tail flapping in the air like he just don’t care. i go to pick up the sopping wet blanket and elmo’s all, “OH HELLLLLLLLLL NO” in dog language and runs back into the kennel, teeth bared and barking like i’m about to commit some heinous act. he leaps at me and, with incredibly dexterity i manage to block my face with my hands! cat-like reflexes. he then realizes he has failed to maim my beautiful face and then goes for my foot and CHOMPS down and starts shaking my foot like a ragdoll. at that point i SCREAM, and then manage to back up against the kennel door and WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?
I FALL! YES, TYPICAL WOMAN I AM. i fell. in the most inopportune of times. for those of you that have read my previous blog i wrote an entry around halloween about how women are always doing stupid shit in movies, like not being able to open a door when a guy is about to chop her head off/rape her or falling in the woods when a creep is chasing her. i wrote about how stupid it was and how jamie lee curtis is a big fat idiot yadda yadda yadda. and here i am FALLING, trying desperately to get up and close this kennel door because this dog may or may not hasten my arrival at the pearly gates. jesus would be like, “really? you fell trying to escape a wacko shelter dog?” and i’d be all, “jesus sorry i know lame right”.
long story short i got the door closed and resumed my work for the night but not after realizing a couple of things:
1) the scream that emitted from my mouth when elmo was snacking on my foot was absolutely the epitome of my femininity. i am not an inherently feminine person; i am consistently asked if i really have a penis, 0% of the time is it serious. i hate romantic comedies and i for the most part i really EFFING hate shopping. but that scream caused me to pause and reflect for a nanosecond. sure, i may be somewhat of a tomboy but I AM A WOMAN. i freaking eat ice cream when i’m on my period, i think all men are terrible listeners and I SURE AS HELL will scream when i’m about to die!
2) i have realized that i have commodified (is this the right word? lit majors where u @t?) my experiences here in new jersey for the sole purpose of the entertainment of others. i kid you not, my first thought after my encounter with elmo was, “holy shit! this will be a great blog entry!” i swear! this cannot be a good thing. i mean, maybe one of these days i’ll get into an epic car accident and be like, “oh it’s super great i’m alive but MAN will this make a great blog entry!” that’s just strange as hell. at least i am cognizant of the fact…
so…moral of the story…i am a woman, i got attacked by a dog and i am just SO GLAD to be alive ;)